A different terrain

Did you hear it?  Did you hear that loud thump or feel that energetic drain when you were in the company of a friend?  If you listen close enough or check those  feelings, you will know when the time has come to end a relationship.  The universe gives us signs.  Things just no longer seem to fit and there is now a dis ease.  What used to be relaxed and energizing has now become a tension filled mess.

I will admit, I have a bad habit.  I am the one who holds on way to long to relationships that have passed their expiration date.  I am the one who is usually the one sided caller carrying a friendship that had been in its death throes.  I have been the one to offer apology whenever there was any perceived slight to keep the peace and the friendship. Like many, I want to be liked, to be seen as amicable and easy to befriend.  Loss of anything is difficult for me as it is for many others.  Comfort and familiarity are anchors keeping us mired in our own prison.  We cling to bad marriages, unfulfilling relationships, bad jobs thinking the devil we know is better than the devil we don’t.  We need to understand when one road ends, another begins.  The beauty of a true friendship is the support and love one feels.  We know that our friend wants the best for us as we want for them.  Our friend listens and supports us warts and all.  There will be disagreements between us but as caring individuals, we understand the importance of clearing the air.We can say I am sorry, please forgive me and grow stronger.  We can enjoy our differences and celebrate our similarities.   There is a saying that no man or woman is an island.  We all need one another and we all need a true and trusted friend.  However, we need to be brave enough to say farewell should that time come.

If we are lucky there comes a time in life where we get to meet our passion and our life’s meaning face to face.  However, when it comes calling, we must be brave enough to answer the door.  Hiding out or refusing to answer leads us to a life of what one would call quiet desperation.  It takes great courage to step out of the comfort of all that we know into unknown territory.  It can sometimes be painful to stretch strongly attached wings.  When we take a leap into  the abyss we can sometimes surprise ourselves.  We get to see our courage and meet others who will support our bravery every step of the way.   In other words, we meet kindred souls.

In this moment I am in a small Cuban town answering a call  to follow my soul.  I have come here with broken Spanish and very little knowledge of what i am doing but I have followed the call to show up.  I have been to Cuba before but never to this particular place.  I am learning and  finding my way. I have navigated and found my way on a horse pulled wagon with strangers heading out into territories unknown.  I have met locals who accepted my awful spanish all the while telling me how well I was doing.  I found that I could work in a farm studio in the presence of goats, pigs and burros and not miss a step.  I have in the  found a life I never knew existed and another side of me that I had long forgotten.  I thank the universe for throwing me this curve ball  and granting me the gift of aliveness.  Yesterday I sat at the breakfast table in my small apartment as sweat poured from my face and into my eggs.  I thanked the heavens for the discomfort as I knew I was alive.

I consider myself blessed.  I am the lucky recipient of a best friend.  When we have been given such a gift, it is a requirement that we nurture and care for the blessing.  We have to become worthy.  Recently my friend and I tested our metal on a mountaineering adventure in the Canadian Rockies.  If anything can test a friendship it is the trials and tribulations of traveling together not to mention bad food, minimal privacy and bone numbing climbs. However, throughout it all, my buddy kept her sense of adventure.  I did hear her a couple of times as she muttered under her breath no doubt with a few choice words for me as we struggled through white out conditions.  This is the woman who jumps on a plane at a moment’s notice whenever life throws a curve ball.  This is the woman who knows my deepest secrets yet holds no judgement.  She takes me warts and all.  We have navigated the sometimes rough sea of friendship and have landed on the shore relatively unscathed. We have learned that politics and religion are off limits as it can quickly muddy the water and besides it is not worth the hassle.  Sometimes we do not see eye to eye and that is OK. Sometimes we drive each other crazy and that is OK too.  I want the best for my friend and know that games are not necessary.  It does not matter  who called last.  In fact, we do not keep tally.  Games are not necessary with our good friends.  We do not need bad news or angst to keep the conversation interesting.  Life is short and time is even shorter.

Recently I wrote a post about death and the nature of its inevitability.  Last week was one of the many times death sat next to me.  My aunt the last remaining sibling of my father clings to life by a thin thread.  Her last breath could come any moment as I write.  I sit by her bed watching her chest rise up and down while I hold her sweaty icy hand.  If my stare could  bore a hole she would have one in the side of her face.  I never take my eyes off of her face.  I become fixated watching the changes of impending death.  I listen with awe as she calls out for her mother who has been dead for over 40 years.  I feel the energy of the spirits gather and she feels it as well.   I look at her skeletal face with deep sunken eyes, this is no longer the robust body that had served hot mac and cheese from her stove.  This is not the robust energetic woman who loved nothing more than a house full of family and the chaos that followed.  I watch her and feel her leaving a little bit more with each breath.  I also watch my father as he strokes her face and breaks down in a torrent of tears as he clutches her hand.  They have always been close often telling a story of sharing the same  dress as children.  Being in a family of share croppers, money was tight and clothing was even tighter.  My father knows death is imminent.  He leaves the room to regain his composure as I sit steadfastly by the bed and wait.  Death is on its way and we will all grieve.