A different terrain

The muse woke me early this morning with her admonishment to write.  No matter how hard I try I cannot understand the appeal of television reality shows.  Maybe it has something to do with our voyueristic nature of wanting to peer behind the scenes. How many times have we heard folks say “Oh how I wish I were a bug on the wall” in an effort to listen and not be seen?  This mornings news reports a slated reality show My husband is not gay.  The theme here tells of a man who has been attracted to the same sex since the age of 12.  However, he has always wanted a family like the one he grew up in. Yikes, my stomach is already churning at that much dysfunction so early in the morning.  In the photo, he stands with his wife kissing in front of a suburban mcmansion. Now I have always been one to support and promote folks in whatever makes them happy but there are a few things in my very humble opinion that can be identified as accidents and disasters just waiting to happen and this qualifies.  Naturally and rightfully so, gay advocate groups are up in arms about this media propaganda.  This is an admittedly gay man going through the ruse of marriage to a woman with a desire to have a traditional marriage with children.  It is akin to some professionals running loose claiming they have a cure for homosexuality.  Who says homosexuality needs to be cured?  Truth in who we are is a powerful place to be.  When we live our lives as our authentic selves there is a freedom.

Once again, society uses media to give us its message.  It has this poor man basically saying “I may be attracted to men, but that won’t be an issue.”  On the other side of the coin, what woman is going to marry a man who states truthfully that he is attracted to men but can make it work with her. Are we as women that desperate for a man?  The couple in the upcoming reality show cite their faith as Church of Jesus Christ-Latter Day Saints as reason to be husband and wife.  I do not profess to be a religious expert but if they feel the church can take away his attraction to men they make have unrealistic expectations.

A question that should be raised is why anyone would think of a show questioning what is wrong or right in marriage or who we should take as partners?  Why could this not be a reality show of 2 men who love each other raising a family together?  Why do we have to be so concerned with gender, skin color, age, etc when we choose a marriage partner?  When media sends out its subliminal messaging whether through reality tv, commercials, or any public advertising it can set up a dangerous situation.  Many of us are bombarded by these messages and there are many of us that are not exactly sane.

I am a lover of the mountains and the great outdoors.  I pride myself on being a self sufficient, independant woman fearing little.  When I first moved to Santa Fe, NM I signed up for a wilderness survival course so that I would know how to stay safe doing the things I loved.  The first rule I learned was to never hike alone.   For the most part I took that advice to heart but there have been times when the pull to bag a mountain top was too great and there was nobody to do it with; so off I would go.  I never failed to leave information as to my whereabouts.  There is something about being alone in the mountains that just cannot compare to anything else.  There is a silence that is difficult to find in a constant chattering world.  There is a peace that fills a body with every step of the hiking boot.  There is also a need to be concious and aware and to trust a gut.

Yesterday was one of those days when the mountain was crying for me to visit so off I went, alone.   I had been overwhelmed and preoccupied and felt a little alone time in nature would be just what I needed.   There was no one else, only the sound of my own breathing as I neared the top.  I stopped for a moment to enjoy the scenery and take in the quiet.  With no one else around I heard a noise.  It was a noise of movement, heavy movement.  As typical of human behavior, I tried to excuse it as being made by settling in my backpack.  When the sound happened again and no one was visible, my gut told me it was time to head back.  I listened to the inner stirrings of my body’s warning system.  All was not right.

Our bodies  possess amazing characteristics of self preservation.  The important piece here is to pay attention to red flags and warnings.  We feel them everyday but may chalk them up to something else.  The uneasy gut feeling, hairs standing up on our arms, the feeling of being watched or followed when no one is there.  Many times we excuse it as an overactive imagination, failing to give our bodies credit for this built in safety device.  It is my belief that we all have an energetic space and when something foreign invades that space our antenna go up.  I have no idea what was with me yesterday as I sat in peace but I felt it.

Every day people race up the mountain alone totally oblivious to surroundings unaware and unprepared for any possibility.   The same can be said for daily life as our very existence depends on listening to the soft voice inside and being aware of our body’s signals.  If we learn to slow down, feel and listen we learn a new language.

Recently I read about an island in Greece where people live a very long time.  The elderly are revered and everyone cares about one another.  No one is hungry as neighbors ensure that food is shared.  Gardens are plentiful as well as livestock and residents understand the importance of seasonal eating as well as social interactions during meals.  There is very little technology and there is an attitude of live and let live. Ikaria has been designated by National Geographic as a “blue zone” where people live unusually long lives. Naturally, tourist are ready to or have flocked there out of curiosity and in hopes of getting in on the longevity factor. There is not an x-box, iPhone, or any other techno device vying for intimate attentions. It appears this little village has it right. Health wise, there is minimal hypertension or cancer and retirement at a certain age is virtually unheard of. Friends carry a great deal of importance and time is taken nurturing valuable relationships.

One might think with all the technology and ease of communication we have in our modern US society, we would be further along in relationships, health, education and the likes but it appears we have become the land of the sick and busy.  We are too busy to sit for a meal, too busy to have tea with a friend, too busy to take a nap, too busy to read a book, just too busy.  Everything has to be quick and fast. Instead of technology making our lives easier, we have become slaves answering every buzz, zing or bell in order to stay in the loop.   Our health is deteriorating and our kids are fat.  Sitting in front of an X-box or computer all day tends to lead to stagnation and obesity not to mention our packaged and processed foods that have become a mainstay of many American homes. We are fat and lazy and we don’t have enough time.  We are choosing our fast paced lifestyles all the time making a host of excuses. We say we cannot afford organic and healthy foods all the while filling our shopping carts with food unfit for human consumption. We say lack of time leads us to fast food not understanding in the big scheme of things poor health will cause us larger problems. Many of us have equated our jobs or our work with a torture to be over on Friday afternoons. We sit and wait until the day we can retire no longer having to toil at the daily grind. What has happened to a love of what we do? A passion for our life long work? It makes much sense if we loved what we did or took pride in what we did why would one want to “retire?”

We all have free will and make choices for ourselves concerning our lives. We are the ultimate ones responsible. We claim that a fast paced existence is necessary to get ahead, to provide for our children. We claim that excess toys and games are expected for our children. We think if we don’t have a big house or a fancy car, we have failed. We have the ability to reassess. We can pay attention to our relationships, our environments, our health, our food and our time. We can refuse to ride the merry go round of chaos and bring peace into our world. It is an individual choice.

Just the other day I heard two adults talking about Christmas.  They were lamenting having to put up a tree or decorate for the holidays.  They spoke of having to do it because of a young child still living at home and how excited he gets at Christmas.  As I listened to the conversation, a sadness came over me as I thought how empty and depleting that must feel to boil Christmas down to “having to put up a tree and decorate for the kid.”  Over the years I have heard many adults declare that Christmas is for kids and many a parent lament about “the amount of money we spend on presents and toys.”

No one argues the fact that Christmas makes human kids resort to wild animal behavior as the thought of toys, presents, unlimited sweets and Santa Claus inhabit their brains.  What has happened to adults in the mix of all of this excitement?  To see Christmas as a one big “to do” list is a tragedy at best.  Instead of the holiday being a time of still, quiet and contemplation for adults it has become a time of heavy duty mall activity.  Christmas is not only for kids.  If we allow the space, it is a time for us as adults to feel a little child like.  We can take time to marvel at the lights and take in the smell of a fireplace.   We can enjoy the aroma of wafting pies and cakes and actually take delight in putting the star on the tree.   Noise, chaos and toys are not a prerequisite for a meaningful holiday.  There is beauty in serenity.

‘Tis the season to be jolly.  holiday time brings families and friends close and provide a lot of joy and frivolity.  It is time when many of us travel near and far to be with loved ones.  It is also a time for frayed nerves and expectations.  Recently a good friend of mine confided family conflict and a long history of family dysfunction.  My friend had basically severed ties with her sibling due to long standing issues and the inability to be caught in total chaos when in family settings.  She expressed feeling a tiny bit of guilt, as she put it “we are family and we are supposed to love one another.”

Family and love.  If we are blessed and fortunate, the family unit is a place of great support, encouragement, love and strength.  We can count on our families to have our back and be there in our greatest need.  Many of us look back with nostalgia at our childhoods and have deep and loyal ties to our family members some who have known us since birth.  That is if we are fortunate.  However, there are those among us who have grown separate and no longer fit with their families of origin.  Dysfunction and pain may run too deep.  Where do we draw the line when the family you have always known bring nothing but pain?  When every get together is another torture?  Personally, I have been witness to forced mingling festivities such as holiday dinners where one is there out of duty not out of desire.   Does having the same DNA or blood ties a guarantee of forever love?   My friend has told me she had decided to love her relatives from afar as the pain is just too much for her to stand on an ongoing basis.  As loving, responsible adults, we also need to love ourselves and respect our boundaries.  We can love from afar even when our DNA is so closely connected.  We can observe and wish our loved ones well without drowning in the well they have chosen for themselves.

I am awake.  It is 5:30 am and my companion insomnia is here by my side.  I have never really been a hard sleeper.  I used to joke about it and say I sleep so light I could hear a gnat peeing on cotton. For a while it caused me angst and many a night I would lie in bed looking at the ceiling willing sleep to come.  The sound of everybody sleeping in the house except for me became a source of annoyance especially when the sand man of sleep wouldn’t make an appearance.  I thought I had the answer when I started trying different supplements all promising me the elusive 8 hours of sleep.  With great anticipation and hope, I tried just about all.  It wasn’t that I did not sleep it was the waking up at 430 that was getting old. It never fails though when the alarm clock goes off, I want to sleep.  I finally figured out instead of fighting it why not use it to my advantage.  So, here I am at 5:30 am writing and confessing my insomnia.

I have found this time of morning is when I think best, when the rest of the town is asleep.  It is a quiet oasis of still that I have come to appreciate.  From my window I often notice other lights on at 430am and wonder if they are awake too. I wonder why they are not asleep. Insomnia is not all bad.   I like to think of it as the time the muses are talking and if I am sound asleep, I would not be able to hear them.  It is now 630am, I have submitted 1 proposal, written a grocery list, drank 2 cups of tea, and finished Christmas shopping.  Now, I am ready to go to bed.  It ain’t all bad.

Last night I ran into someone that was once a good friend. The end of our friendship caused a lot of pain and soul searching and somebody’s pride caused a refusal to make amends and forgive. Pride and ego have a way of doing that, often giving us fuel to assist in our belief of being wronged. It had been 2 years since we had talked. A few times I held out an olive branch only to have my attempts ignored. I knew that healing had not taken place so I let it go. Sadness over a lost relationship especially one that held potential for friendship wounds us.  No matter how much we are ready to let go, it is still a loss.

I have always said once a friend ship is over there is an energetic severing that is palpable. If one pays attention the shift can be felt before the severing happens. We no longer have commonality, our conversations become an effort and contact becomes more infrequent. The bloom is off the rose but I knew this was not the case with this friendship. Only time would tell.

I can recall several years ago another friendship that went the way of the iceburg. After an invitation to lunch, I was informed by the individual that I no longer fit into her life and in fact she felt unsupported by me. Needless to say, I did not see that coming as I was dealing with my own physical and mental maladies at the time. A dramatic severing was the last thing I expected. She had spoken several times of ridding herself of others by sending letters when they no longer fit. Surprisingly, I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted when we parted ways. I felt light and as if I had been given a gift. It was a gift of freedom from the drama I had endured from her over the years. Losing a friend can hurt but it can also heal.

Friendship has been a gift in my world and I have been blessed to have some pretty amazing frinds. It is not always fun and exciting. Sometimes there is conflict, discomfort and annoyance but there is always support and concern. Its nice to know they have my back. Last night an old friend and I forgave. She spoke of having felt disconnected and shed tears. I had never stopped caring for her but I knew she needed time and space. Time can mend and space can heal.