A different terrain

Living life takes courage.  Of course we are alive but many of us are not living life as life is intended to be lived.  We settle, we get comfortable and we get bogged down in our mask and our egos.  We begin to see danger around every corner and cling to those we think and hope are just like us.  We point our fingers at anything or anyone we identify as different and label it as “other.”

Here in our first world existence,  media and societal dictates have made us a culture that is risk averse.  Our recent political landscape is being played on a field mined with fear and stupidity, and caters to those looking for a savior to fix the mad world in which we live. Many have come to believe if they live in the big house, drive the fancy car, tell others how rich they are it will somehow ease their fear and make it all better.  On the flip side, many cling to ideals of being superior based on skin color, liberal or conservative ideologies, age, friendships, physical attributes, on and on.  We hide behind the mask of anything to make us feel good and morally superior.

When we hide our insecurities stay in a safe box.  The world cannot see our warts and cracks or so we think.  We develop relationships on a false platform and fail to attract those experiences that the real us would want.  We become a slave to the game.  It takes energy to continue a charade.  Eventually, the mask is going to become claustrophobic if we are lucky.  It takes a brave individual to come out of hiding and allow the world to truly see us.  How do you hide?

3 days ago I lost a dear friend to cancer.  3 days ago I became a 10 year survivor of the same type of cancer that claimed the life of my friend.  Life has a way of bitch slapping a face.  I had gotten to know my friend Mac through social media.  Even with its addictive nature, social media is very good for connecting those who never would have connected.  After my diagnosis I searched long and hard to find somebody, anybody that had gone through what I was experiencing and had come out on the other side unscathed.  Doctors warned me not to look for others as they were few and far between.  I had the misfortune of being diagnosed with a type of cancer where most patients died.  I was a rarity.  Being a rarity puts one in an uncomfortable pit of aloneness.  At the suggestion of others I spent a moment in support groups for folks with cancer.  Listening to stories of chemotherapy nightmares when I had not suffered that fate or listening to patients with stage 4 cancers speak of their impending deaths caused me to need a support group from the support group.  It was not a fit and again I was alone.  Well meaning friends led me to women who had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I wanted to scream “I did not have breast cancer.”

Guilt can come at us in many shapes and the guilt I was experiencing for surviving was all consuming.  I was the one who had been tapped to survive.  The whys are never answered at least for me they have not been.  Watching others fight so hard and so long can become a sore spot in the eyes.  I was the one who chose early morning doctor appointments to avoid seeing the bald heads and the sallow skin of those that would join the ranks of the dying.  I was the one who brow beat the sonographers after each exam to give me an early hint of the results.  I was the one who searched every forum or website related to cancer for a hint of a positive outcome.  I was the one who was not dealing very well with the beast.  I was in full mode avoidance and did not want to admit the fear I was feeling.  I was running.  I figured if I kept running and only seeing the good, I could outrun my fear, rein in the monster that was nipping at my heels.  The night I hit the wall was a night I faced the fear and realized I could have died but I was going to live.  My life had become a game of waiting and living from one follow up until the next.  I had learned to hold my breath and felt release after every exam said I would survive until the next time.  With the help of a good therapist I began to understand what I was doing was not living but existing in a state of waiting for the other shoe to fall, when the beast would finally win.

My friends who have stepped over to the other side taught me a great deal.  I will not say they lost the battle. They were not fighting. They were living all along with courage, strength and determination.  I learned by watching them that courage and faith are our greatest ally.  We cannot avoid the inevitable no matter how often we turn our heads or change our appointments.  Thank you Mac, Weicy and Jo for your gift of helping me to see.

Mama always said “be good.”To this day as I hang up the phone after our lengthy conversations she still says “behave and be good.” As a child I was good. I shared my toys, I sat still in class in fact I was often considered the teacher’s pet. I was the one who quickly became the teacher’s eyes and ears. I gained a reputation for being a “goody two shoes.” I became so good that I put my own needs to the side often feeling an enormous rush of guilt if by chance I was not good. I saw taking care of myself as selfish and would be labeled as such when I demonstrated or discussed desires of my own. Society rewards us for being “good.” When we do what we are supposed to do we are graced with approval, a smile. We become part of the mass of everybody doing what it is we are supposed to be doing, being good. The problem rears its head when we no longer hear the mantra “be good.’ Perhaps we come to see that we have a different idea of what being “good” is all about. When we step back and start to take care of our own needs others often fail to understand. We may leave some confused or hurt. They may want our time or energy and we may not have any to give.  

Ah, the art of self preservation. For many it takes a long time to master the ability to take care of self. We may expend a lot of energy giving to things that do not feed us.  We attend events that do not interest us. We say yes when we should say no.  We call those who never call us. We feed those who never feed us. We begin to see that we are on a one sided street and we are going nowhere. Expending unnecessary energy leaves us feeling empty and depleted. In our efforts to be there for others sometimes we fail to be there for ourselves. To give our self the gift of time, rest and the ability to say no is one of the grandest gifts we can give ourselves. Being stingy with our energy allows us to build up the reserve to best help those who need us when the need arises. Our bodies never lie. They will let us know when it is time to retreat and to come home to ourselves. All we have to do is listen.

Here we are again.  That time of year when many of us race around like mad demons proclaiming our angst about all of the many things we “have”to do to ready ourselves for the holiday season.  Many head to the nearest mall with a list of names checking them off as purchases are made for things that will find themselves in the goodwill bin the next year and credit card bills that will prove difficult to pay.  Houses are cleaned, trees are bought and the midnight oil is burned as plans are made for the so called perfect Christmas.  The holiday season comes with a kind of stillness that many miss.  Conversation with a friend recently left me feeling exhausted as the sound and pitch of her anxiety centering around her to do list soared off the chart.   It is difficult to exist in this mayhem where many choose to live especially at this time of year. “Are you ready for Christmas?” they ask.  My mind screams it is coming, whether I am ready or not.

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend who has recently been told that his cancer has returned.  I do not bring it up as he is having such a wonderful time of gaity and it is a moment to just be.  In the back of my mind I am sad.  I don’t want him to die and I don’t want time to march on.  He knows that we are here for him however the journey goes.  He will have to begin treatment as the new year comes in and I know it will be difficult.  Not only for him but for his wife as well.  This year I do not think they are playing into the plastic madness of the season.

I wonder about our lives and how much we all take for granted.  We are guilty of walking through life as if we are promised tomorrow or the next breath. I don’t want to take anything for granted but I often do. I find myself forgetting how important it is to let others know we care or finding the time to sit still for a moment.  So many have become too busy to simply be and listen.  Our lights are brighter and our tree may be bigger but we are crazed.  We seemed to have forgotten the reason for the season. There is a stillness this time of year but through the clanging of pots, pans, and cash registers it is difficult to hear.

Last year I had the good fortune of traveling to South America to climb 3 mountains as part of an international group of women.  We were all strangers when we arrived in Cusco Peru but we departed as friends.  I learned a lot from that experience.  I learned about others and I learned about myself.  It has taken me several months to digest it all and to incorporate lessons learned. As a team we faced conflict, illness, fatigue, discomfort, joy, ego, pride, bites over 98 percent of our bodies but hopefully we all came home knowing our strength and with an experience we will never forget.  When I was chosen by Peaks Foundation, a charitable organization providing funds to women and girls, to my surprise I was nervous and began to question my own capabilities.  I wondered if I was strong enough and if I had the strength to keep up. I thought of the other women and just how we would form a team and how we would all get along.

Whenever one travels with a group there is bound to be personality differences, some good and some not so good.  We learn and figure out where we fit in the scheme of it all. We learn to stay out of dramas that will not matter in the long run. For those of us that are fortunate, we learn to listen to our own bodies and our limitations. In the mountains of Peru, I learned the value of getting on a horse when exhaustion and altitude threatened to derail my every step. I learned ego is not a friend when trying to summit a mountain. That day I gained strength as I closed my eyes and held on tight to the sturdy horse that would give me some reprieve. I observed the team as divisions and ego made us angry as we headed towards our tallest peak with guides that failed us terribly in the safety department.  We were splintered as a team when some of us refused to summit due to safety and others went ahead. Someone could have died that day. We had failed to make a decision that was beneficial and safe for us all. Fortunately, we found our way through the madness of ego to the other side and all remained in one piece.

Since I have been back, I have been changed.  I am not the same person that left.  I know that getting to the top is not my ultimate goal. It is the journey and the enjoyment along the way. It is about taking it slow, breathing in, looking around and getting to know one’s self and just what we are capable of.  As I tread into the mountains on these early mornings, I do not race and I do not speed. I take my time. I watch the steps and the breath. There is nothing in this life that I have to race towards. There is no one that I need to compete against. It is the voice inside of me that I hear as I take those steps. I no longer beat myself when the alarm rings at 700 am and I roll back over for a little more sleep.