I am trying to wrap my head around divorce. Never in a million years did I expect to be going thru one yet here I am. In this new era, there are books on cooperative divorce, creative divorce, mediation. I hear conversations centering on co mingled families with exes as friends. It appears no longer is it necessary to be hostile enemies yet many of us remain mired in the hostility. In the midst of divorce I now understand it is not only the couple getting divorced but the entire extended family. From where I sit, it is the rare bird to be able to maintain ongoing relationships with the inlaws. As an observer true colors tend to show themselves in the midst of separation and divorce.There are assets to be haggled over, lawyers dragging on for years and vindictive behavior. What may start civil can sometimes become an ugly trip into chaos. Not to mention the economic upheaval.

Divorce not only impacts the couple but an entire extended family. My parents are in their 90s and yes they prefer status quo. Change is unsettling but even more so to the elderly in most cases. My parents have cared for my soon to be ex as they would their own son and needless to say expressed dismay at news of my impending divorce. Adding insult to injury their soon to be ex son in law saw no reason to visit or say hello during their recent visit prompting my father to realize the true nature of the relationship he thought he once had. It has been difficult for me as it usually is for most of us traveling this road. I feel protective of my parents and refuse to hold any space of forgiveness for those who deliberately cause them pain.

Sadly, many times in divorce, egos get involved and it becomes more about inflicting pain than amicably separating with the hopes of a better life. One day we wake up and realize something is not working. We hope to give the relationship we once had its just due. We hope to cherish the good and give thanks to what we learned along the way. I like to say when relationships end, it is not a failure but finished business. As we grow we come to understand there is something else that needs to be done and all that happens is part of our life lessons. It is the hope we can walk with compassion and kindness knowing we will one day get to the other side. It is incredibly easy to lash out, to become angry and wallow in our own bitterness. It is easy to point the finger of blame and see ourselves as innocent victims but in reality there is no blame. It is the walk of life and sometimes it becomes necessary to navigate the potholes.