I sit here this early morn contemplating my existence and my future. It has been a constant partner in my mind now since my long term marriage landed in the state of separation. I am here in my childhood town in Virginia emptying out my childhood home. I am alone and filled with every emotion one can imagine. In the attic, I empty a box of naked dolls missing arms and legs and immediately I am taken back to a time when I argued with my sister about which Barbie would be the girlfriend of my brother’s GI Joe. I pull out a box filled with Christmas ornaments from years gone by and have a mini emotional break down. This is difficult and confusing. I sit and realize that I am in the midst of emotional turmoil and something we all will get to experience in one way or another. I am blessed my parents are still alive, albeit living in Florida but alive. They are elderly and I also realize my time with them on this earth is limited. That too makes me sad. I visit with childhood friends and it reminds me of a land frozen in time as they talk of days gone by and limitations. Some say one can never go home again, I sense that is true.
There was a time when I could see my road or at least thought I could. Isn’t illusion marvelous? Loss of a long term relationship adds to the confusion and clouds our view. We can no longer see the road. There was always someone who cared and could lend an ear or a hand or even check in once in a while. The ground beneath us now is no longer stable. It has shifted and continues to move as we try to hold on. Those of us in the turmoil see we will get thru to the other side as we have seen so many who have done it before us and they seem to survive. I reach out for comfort from my previous long term husband but now that is not to be. There is no comfort to be found there and it now dawns on me that I must continue alone in the fog until it clears. We are becoming anew. We are like snakes shedding skin to find a new and shiny self. Change and growth cannot happen without some discomfort. We are knocked back and down for a moment and may have to walk part of our path alone but if we allow we can get back up and come out even stronger. We open ourselves to the pain of grief and loss and we feel how we need to feel. No one can say how long we need to grieve. We allow ourselves the luxury of giving ourselves space and time. We hide the pain behind the smile pretending all is right with our world as others tell us to “get over it, or move on” but it never goes away until we feel it deeply and give it its due attention.
I continue to walk on, sometimes stumbling sometimes unsure of the next step. All I can do, all any of us can do is to walk on and know we really are not alone.