The Last Moment

Yesterday once again tragedies made their way into our news.  It seems every moment we are waking to the newest calamity.  Yesterday many friends sent text and messages wondering about my safety.  Apparently there had been a tragic plane crash here in Cuba involving a route I had taken and a city I routinely fly into.  I imagined what that arrival airport must have looked like as people waited for their loved ones on a plane that would never arrive. I was also aware of the recent American school shooting claiming lives.image I thought of the fragility of life and how at a moment’s notice it can be snatched away.  I thought of how much precious time we spend in worry and fear of what may be.  I thought about how that last time we see a loved one might really be the last time.  I write this short blog as a reminder.  In the big scheme of things we are a blip on the radar screen and are easily replaced.  Our sense of importance is only important to us.  The universe really does not care.  Just a public service announcement to let the little stuff go.  Figure out what makes you happy and go for it.  No one deserves to take your happiness or have you become a sacrificial lamb for the sake of others.  Enjoy the life you are given and hug those close to you.  Tomorrow is not promised to any of us.


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Dear America

Dear America,

Wtf has happened to you?  I thought I knew you but apparently I was mistaken.  I have always known you had your share of problems and I like many others was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.  I knew there were pockets of some of your people who through lack of education, poor self esteem or just plain smug superiority never really gave a rats ass about you, the earth or their fellow humans.  However, they were the minority.  They were irrelevant and could be ignored.  From the time of my birth I watched as you traveled your journey.  I grew and learned how you were formed, how the brave left Great Britain to make a new way of life in unchartered and uninhabited territory.  I learned how your hero Christopher Columbus first discovered America.  You and i both know that America had already been discovered, by the Indians.  Apparently a civilization that had it going on and perfectly content in their way of life until the superior ones felt these savages were just that, savages.  Not to mention the disease they bought with them introducing germs that the native population had no way of resisting. However, they were savages and got in the way of the story of discovery.

Throughout time, changes were made and progress was had but you needed a lot of work done.  It is hard to develop a country as big as you without cheap labor: enter the slaves.  Now you know it was not too nice to rip others from their homeland, bring them to your place, treat them like shit and expect them to work for nothing and beat them on top of all of that.  That was not nice.  But you needed the work to be done and apparently those of British ancestry were too refined to dirty themselves so what would be wrong than getting other savages, strong black savages to do the work.  Afterall who was going to have time to sit on that porch drinking mint juleps with all of that work to be done? That history is too long to go into here at this time but once again, you saw what you did and to this day you refuse to accept the responsiblity.

You were big and when you waved that red, white and blue flag people noticed.  Others respected you too.  Many were proud to go and die for you under what was called patriotism.  I sometimes wondered if patriotism was some sort of brain washing but I guess when people get in a groupthink mindset, it is sort of easy to jump on the rah rah bandwagon.  No doubt, you did help to put an end to the evil in the world.  You led the rally when it came to dealing with Hitler in WW2 and along with your allies saved the lives of many.  You had military might and for the most part you handled it responsibly. There were glitches due to those with that rah rah mindset.  You were responsible for using fat man and little boy and making a torturous hell for the lives of many and you probably remember what happened with your rogue military bandits when they pillaged the village of Me Lei raping and killing.  Ahh Vietnam, when a large percentage of those fighting had no idea what they were fighting for. At 18 years of age, most have no idea about the wily ways of the world and think they can single handedly join a war to kick some ass.   I won’t go into all of your horrendous misdeeds under the name of patirotism here, you know what they are.

You really do have a beautiful planet in which to call home but lately you have become hellbent on destruction.  I have noticed your disregard when oil slicks cover the once beautiful waters.  You pretend to care but then it happens again.  Common sense would tell anyone that oil refineries are a problem.  When your skies turn grey and your people can barely breathe, do you still fly that flag with pride?  Do you see how many are homeless on your streets, how many have no health care?  Do you understand that education is the first step towards a healthy population?  What about that race thing, why do some of your people divide themselves based on skin color?  Do they not understand when the shit hits the fan, they will need each other?  However your flag waves on.  Your people divide and hurt but yet quote the bible and declare themselves to be Christians.  You declare yourself to be a Christian country and display hostility towards anyone not adhering to your so called Christian belief.  What is that belief?  Do you think if there is such a thing as the pearly gates that God is going to let those in with such hate and division in their heart?  Is not your God the one who spoke of judging others?

America you say you are a compassionate nation and you usually have been. You have led the world in humanitarian acitivities and stood for others to fight for what was just. There was great pride in being American.  The Statue of Liberty who holds the lantern with inscription “give me your tired and your poor” has been raped.  She is no longer able to stand up straight and if she were not made of metal would crumble under all of those rags into tears.  She would call you an embarrassment.  She would ask you how dare you turn away those fleeing tyranny and violence?  How dare you go against all that I stand for?  No doubt Statue of Liberty did not know about Isis or terrorism as it stands now but are you to keep others away from freedom because you fear a few?  What of your own home grown terrorist? You know you make them too.

I write this to you not out of hate or anger but out of sadness.  I am sad that you have fallen off of the path of justice.  I am sad that you can no longer hear the cries of those in need and I am sad that you are becoming something I don’t recognize.  I sincerely hope  that you will sit back one day and see the error of your ways before it is too late.  I trust you have the ability and the desire to do so.   Wishing you well.


A Concerned Friend   crying-statue

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Love and Respect

It is early morn and once again I am awake.  This morning I sit contemplating something a friend recently told me: that all men hate their wives.  Apparently this information was given to him by a trusted therapist. Personally, I think I would have asked for a refund and gotten a new therapist but that is not my decision to make. I have pondered this sentiment and I am astounded that a therapist would have this as a point of reference.  This is supposed to be someone trained to deal with issues of our minds and help us navigate the sometimes tricky aspects of life.

I am left wondering how we got to this point where grown men believe it is the norm to resent women or wives? My friend discussed this as if it was Ok and an accepted fact because it was the valid opinion of a therapist.  Almost like a silent agreement or understanding amongst men.  Many in our culture speak of relationships or marriage as if women are standing around waiting for any man to hogtie and force down the aisle to holy matrimony.  Many buy into the notion that all women want marriage and there is not a man alive that would go along unless forced.  There is no denying that marriage is not for the faint of heart and leaves a lot to be desired in the area of personal fulfillment, but that is another story for another day.   I am left wondering why some grown men need a scapegoat for their inability to navigate their lives?  Why are women to blame?

We do our young boys a disservice. We fail to help them understand or be present with emotion. We tell them that to cry is a sign of weakness.  “Be a man, be strong, don’t be a sissy, crying is for little girls.”  We teach them that vulnerability is an emotional disorder, one best avoided.  In the end we are left with a society of men unable to express emotion.  We fail to teach them the importance of emotion and how to navigate the arena of feelings.  We are raising a generation of future men who feel it is normal to resent women or wives.  We raise our boys to believe boys will be boys and that women are responsible for loss of freedom or independance.

If we want a society of caring men,we have to tell our boys it is ok to cry, to ask for help or to be tender.  We must call upon men to teach by example.  They must show our boys how to be vulnerable and soft.  They must demonstrate to our boys how it looks to cherish, value and love women.  Boys must be taught that healthy relationships require healthy people.  They need to hear affirming and positive descriptions of relationships and women. We need to stop pointing the finger of blame at women and we need to raise compassionate and loving men.pexels-photo-392027.jpeg




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Last night I had a dream.  I saw the world spinning as pieces were being dismantled and flying off into space.  i witnessed large divisions and splits around the globe. It all dismantled into crumbs and ashes of what had been.  When I awoke I sat with the dream and realized it was speaking of rebirth, renewal and a new way of being. The old paradigms are dying and we are being shifted to a new reality.  When change is afoot, it is never easy and we can spend an inordinate amount of time digging in our heels and refusing to move.  Old patterns and habits die hard.  We want to cling on to what we know, what is comfortable.  The devil we know is better than the devil we don’t.  We fear change and the discomfort it will bring.

damage_from_hurricane_patricia_2015_in_colima_mexicoWith changes in America’s political landscape, as a black woman I could allow myself to feel a certain amount of  fear.  I am the product of parents who lived life before civil rights for minorities.  My parents lived in the South where hate groups such as the ku klux klan routinely spread fear among people of color. I am the product of segregated elementary schools.  I know the history of little Ruby Bridges who as a first grader had to be escorted to school by armed guards as she integrated an all white school in Louisiana. As a young child I watched nightly news as police in Birmingham, Alabama unleashed vicious dogs and powerful fire hoses on children and adults as they marched for human rights. Unfortunately some among us decry the loss of those times. The rock has been lifted and allowed ignorance once again to slither out.

I could allow myself to fear but I also understand this is the last hurrah for a dying breed.  it is the death knell, the breathing pattern of the dying.  Times are a changing.  What we once had faith in is now being questioned and brought into the light.  Those standing in pulpits and altars around the globe are being called out.  These are the ones with whom we  have placed our trust.  There is a saying those living in glass houses should not throw stones.  We have been living in a world of lies, control and oppression.  We have fallen for the story that has been meant to divide us.  Fear is the order of the day.  We fear those that are not like us or any lifestyle that does not fit into our set of prescribed beliefs.  We can spend billions to build a wall and bomb humans around the globe one hundred times over yet fear still prevails.

The universe will not be denied and is now calling for a shift in human conciousness.  Either we join the call or we are left behind. It is time for allowance.  It is time for compassion.  What we knew in our world is crumbling but we must understand there is another side.  Growth hurts but so does stagnation.  Like the phoenix, we rise from the ashes

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Connection: Being Real

Today i did something that a year ago was unimaginable.  I disconnected from social media.  I was one who could have definitely benefitted from a 12 step program or an intervention by concerned friends.  I was an addict. Somehow I accepted the belief that it was possible to have 699 well meaning friends.  I am not angry or hold any ill feelings towards facebook even as it usurped a large part of my waking life. It did allow me to connect with people I had not seen for many years.  However there comes a time when too much input is not good for a brain.  Was it really that important to know what my friends had for dinner or what fancy restaurant they were visiting?  Did I really need to get a blow by blow account of vacations and did I need to share mine?  Did I not have enough to handle in my own life without adding other’s drama?  There is no arguing that technology does not have its advantages as so much has changed and there are many of us walking around that would not be here had it not been for the marvel of medical technology.  However, there is a price to pay and more of us are coming to the realization that increased technology brings increased isolation.  What was designed to bring the world closer is pushing us further apart.  Instead of reaching for our partners in the early morning hours, we are now reaching for the computer.  We are hiding our minds and our hearts behind a screen and losing an important piece of our soul.

I am sitting in a coffee hut in a small town in Cuba.  I watch as a little boy dressed in his sunday best looks up at me as I write.  I watch the local people talking over drinks or just sitting with loved ones in the park. I watch a young father take a break from work to kiss his wife and cuddle his young son.  Wi-fi has found its way here too as evident by the crowds gathered around a certain spot. However, the need to walk and the cost of a wifi card helps keep it in perspective.

In the Western world we have lost our way.  With so much advancement and increased quality of life, more of us are lonely and sad.  Anti-depressants to keep us from feeling and pills at night to help us sleep are the prescription of the day and any substance in between to take the edge off.  This is not to downplay the necessity of certain medications to treat legitimate forms of mental illness and their use has made the difference in many people’s lives.  image

For many, this is a time of reckoning.  It is a time for deciding what is real and what really matters.  I depart social media and I begin to hold out for my true friends.  The ones I can call in the middle of the night when the demon won’t let me go.  The ones who i can touch and hug and know for sure they have my back and I theirs.  I now seek a real life with all of the rawness, life, joy and pain and all the other crazy wonderful things that come with it.  For me, a plastic material world is a plastic material existence.  We are being called into something more.

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No I am not selfish

Recently I read an obituary of a well known woman.  As obits go, her many achievements were shared as well as personal family related history.  Her many friends expressed their grief and sadness at the loss.  I read on and noted the special gift she had that so many valued; she gave to others without any thought of her self.  They spoke of how she always put herself last to ensure the needs of others were met.  Her associates spoke as if this were her crowning star, putting others first.

As a child I often heard the word “selfish” bantered about.  It was used to demean, to accuse and as pressure to put one on the path to “being good.”  It would ensure that others will like you.  I was told to give, to share, to put others first.  I was told I would get my reward for being good to others.  As a young first grader the word “selfish” was given to me by my teacher when I refused to share my halloween costume with a child who had forgotten to bring one.  The teacher had requested that I give the little girl my mask since I had the costume piece.  As a 6 year old I knew the value of having my costume in its entirety and refused.  Selfish haunted me throughout childhood.  Being a loner and a creative, it was used when I refused or had no desire to play with others.  It was used when I felt the need to be alone, to gather my thoughts.  Coming out of a big extended family, it was used when I needed to escape the madness and just breathe, alone.  Of course it made me question myself and to think of selfish as something negative.  As I have matured, I have come to understand the need to be selfish.  I like to call it self preservation.

Society hails us for putting ourselves last, taking one for the collective.  We are expected to follow the rules, play the game and be a productive member all while being a good team player.  In my time as a hospice nurse, I learned the value of the caretaker taking care of themselves.  Any one who has ever cared for a sick parent or child knows how physically and emotionally draining it can be.  Often times when we are caring for those we love, we forget ourselves.  Heaven forbid, we can’t be seen as selfish. Some of us equate how much we love someone with how much we suffer. I have seen loved ones sitting round the clock at bedsides of the dying refusing to eat, bathe or practice other self care.  To be available for others, we have to be available for ourselves.  We have to protect our time and our own physical and mental state and we have to be selfish.  Healthy boundaries and the ability to say no does not make us selfish, it helps us to be whole.  Take care.



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Where oh where

This morning I wake up at 330 am.  Being the insomniac that I am I figure I will make use of my time instead of languishing in bed praying for sleep.  Here I sit Continue reading

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the monster inside

A while ago I watched a horror movie called The Babadook. I have always  enjoyed a good horror movie but  always  left wondering about the intelligence of those afflicted by the evil entities that are usually the mainstay of such entertainment.  The Babadook, the evil demon, is risen from the pages of a children’s book by the mere mention of its name. It proceeds to unleash terror by inhabiting the body of a widow with a young son hellbent on destroying monsters.  In one scene, the monster opens the bedroom door with intent to take over.  Instead of jumping out of bed and giving all to getting out of the bedroom, the haunted woman puts her head under the covers in hopes the Babadook will leave.  Helplessness seems to be a big part of the horror film genre.  In the movie The Amityville Horror, a family inhabits a dream house in Amityville, New York that of course is haunted. Although the stairs are dripping blood and a voice repeatedly warns “get out” the family remains, hoping all will be well if they ignore or not read any serious meaning to the events. How one ignores bleeding stairs and warning voices in the night escapes logic.

Unfortunately, it is not only scary movies that bring red flags of need for action. Every day we are given red flags that its time to move on or make a change.  Be it in a relationship, job or any other life event. We often tell ourselves it will get better, the symptom will go away or others will change. We live in our own fantasy land of delusion. As humans, we may often feel the devil we know is better than the devil we don’t. It takes guts to make a change as often we are leaping into the unknown and have no idea where we will land.

As a health care professional, I have had the fortune and the misfortune of working with and knowing victims of domestic abuse. I have heard one excuse after another of why they could not leave. I have witnesseed women return to their abusers telling themselves it will all get better.  Fortunately, I have never had the experience of being a victim of domestic violence and I would hope I would have the determination and courage to leave a dangerous environment.  However, unless one has lived it, no one can say with certainty the outcome of behavior.  When we do not feel good or worthwhile within our own skins, it may be easy to allow others to hurt us as we do not feel our own worth. Red flags are warnings meant to save our lives. They are our signs along our road we must learn to heed. If they are seen early and taken seriously they can not only save our lives but help us to help others.  When something feels uncomfortable or “off” it deserves further awareness.  Look, listen and pay attention.  When the boogie man knocks, get out.

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looking in the wrong place

We all want it and many of us spend our entire lives looking for it.  Happiness, the elusive entity that tells us we are all good on the inside.  We are in love with life and life is in love with us.  It appears it would be easy to find if we only had enough.  If we only had enough money, enough family, enough trips, enough adventure, enough material goods, a bigger house.  You name it, if we only had enough finally we would be happy.

We may feel it that nagging little feeling telling us that something is missing.  We search outside for just the thing that will do it.  We fail or refuse to look inside.  Many of us fail to realize that what we are searching for lies within us.  Of course a huge windfall of cash, the house we have always wanted, the fancy car or the exotic trips will bring us momentary joy but with time the joy lessens.  The trip is over, the house needs repairs and the cash is spent many times wondering what happened.  We see it on tv.  We watch others around us laughing, smiling, enjoying and we wonder what we are doing wrong.

We in our civilized modern world are working longer and harder yet many fall further behind.  We grasp for our gold as our children flounder and we wonder why our relationships are crumbling.  As an ex hospice nurse, I have spent countless hours at the bedside of the dying.  They often speak of regret, what they wished they had done.  I cannot recall anyone telling me they wished they had made more or owned more.  The major themes were related to relationships.  Many wished they had spent more time or showed more interest in loved ones.  They also spoke of wishing they had not been so serious or afraid of life.  One man simply said “I wish I had said I am sorry more.”  In our busy world, we tend to forget, we take others for granted.  We believe when we finally have what we need or want then we will have time to tend to those left on the back burner.  Unfortunately, in life there are no guarantees and what we ignore today may not be there tomorrow.   Material wealth can never fill an empty soul or an empty heart.  Take care.



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The feel of fear

The ground is shaking and you just can’t seem to get your stable footing.  You no longer recognize all that you thought you knew.  You are on a journey but have no idea to where.  Life tosses curve balls, sometimes strong enough to knock the wind out of our sails.  Loss, illness, grief, any so called misfortune can set our path awry.

10 years ago my curve ball was cancer.  It came out of nowhere and landed in the midst of my liver.  Having no risk factors and being what I considered healthy, it landed in a time of my life where things seemed relatively calm.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I knew where I was headed.  A diagnosis of cancer changes things.  It causes a body to wonder why or what and brings the thought of death up front and very close.  It causes one to question.  I had been given a reprieve as the tumor was large but slow growing and able to be removed.  I was going to survive but now what?  I had been spared. Now what was I going to do with the rest of my time and how did I want to live?

When we set out to live a life that is truly ours, often we are met with demons and dragons along the way.  We know what is calling in our hearts and souls but others close to us cannot feel what we feel.  They cannot feel the pull of our soul or hear its whispers.  They want us to come back to where and what we used to be.  Familiarity brings comfort.  After trauma, no matter the source, we no longer are the same.  Something has changed.  We struggle for a time to make sense of it all.  We may even try to go back toimagethe person everyone else knew and loved especially when the road ahead looks uncertain.  We want to jump back into the box.  This is when we must continue our walk.  When the path gets tough, we need to be tough.  We need to understand there will be rocks and holes and pitfalls.  We need to be prepared to fight the dragons and stand in our power.  As long as we hold onto our soul’s calling and walk on the face of fear, we will eventually reach the other side of the bridge.  To face fear and uncertainty requires courage.

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